Roll up! Roll up! It's the stoat and dog show!

My dog Jack needs lots of walks. The park is small. I have to get him to run himself into a coma to get the maximum use out of the walk. Jack likes to chase anything you throw, but after it stops moving, he pretty much loses interest in it. ‘You’re so keen on the thing? You get it.’ He seems to say, while I am doing my best bending, crouching and cheerful voice to get him to bring it back. I do a nice line in violent and shocking swearing at him in a high-pitched cheery voice. He doesn’t know and anyone listening is usually horrified. Ha ha!! The only thing that seems to hold his interest is one of those half size skills footballs you can get on the cheap from £1 shops. And because I have this girly weak throwing arm I have to kick the football, he runs after it, catches it in his mouth, brings it back and then offers it to me before running off with it just as I reach down to grab it. All very normal things to be doing with your time… However, for some bizarre reason, we have started attracting a crowd. People will actually stand and watch me kicking a football around the park like I’m putting on some kind of floor show. This doesn’t pay, otherwise I would be showcasing my rather poor footballing tactics plus dog in Covent Garden. Perhaps Jack could go around with a little coin barrel attached to his collar...But I digress… Basically, if no one’s watching, I’m rather good. The football soars from my foot in a graceful arc to land about 20 feet away. If even one person so much as glances my way during the kick, I am liable to fall heavily over the ball, losing all dignity I may have had. There was the rather memorable time I inhaled a large fly during the run up, miskicked the ball a total of 2 feet away and ended up spitting and snorting in full view of a group of Japanese tourists. With cameras.