The REAL jazz mag...

I have just had the most embarrasing experience ever in WHSmiths today. I was bored and had become almost entirely dessicated on the way back from the doctors. (At last. How long ago did I mention the crusty ear? Now have fun steroid ear drops by the way. Woo hoo!) I thought I'd buy the new Muse album today, which I did, and I thought I'd get a magazine too. The only magazine I read with any frequency would be Empire, but I bought it last month and haven't even read it. I'd only got as far as drawing a massive Hitler moustache on Tom Cruise on the front page. (Damn funny, if I say so myself.)

I ended up thinking I'd get one of those Hollywood gossip magazines you only ever pick up in Doctor's waiting rooms when they're about six months old. I picked one up and was suddenly overcome with shame. I hate these kind of magazines. But I love them. But I hate them. By the time I'd got up to the till I couldn't even look the sales guy in the eye. Which was a good thing because he had snuck off and was hugging one of the girls in the backstage music area. Tut. Anyway, I just shoved my magazine and CD at him and hoped to God I wasn't bright red. Unfortunately he only put the CD on the bill and I was forced to point out the magazine to him. 'Hey, you forgot to add my 99p Hollywood gossip rag there!'. Which made the whole experience that much more shameful. I had a copy of 'Catcher in the Rye' in my bag and felt the urge to wave it at people as I went past. I also read classics, everybody!!! I got home, read it. Felt dirty. The usual.

My shifty behaviour reminded me of the one and only time I have seen a guy buying a porn magazine. Not in WHSmiths. I don't think they sell that sort of thing. I don't know, actually... Like most women, I keep my eyes firmly away from the top shelf for fear of what might be lurking there. This guy was roaming the magazine area for ages and appeared to have selected the one he was after. Then he shot in at the speed of light and grabbed one, rolling it up so that you couldn't see the cover. He showed the mag to the shop assistant without unrolling it, so the price could be seen. Then he was out of the shop so quickly you weren't sure if he was really ever there. Must have been a regular because the whole thing was done with such millitary precision you couldn't help but marvel.