Bloody cheek!

Just spotted this lurking on my profile:

Age: 250
Gender: Female
Astrological Sign: Cancer
Zodiac Year: Rat
Location: London : United Kingdom

What the Hell is this about? How dare you speculate about my age! And my zodiac sign, which for your information is the monkey and not the rather suspect rat. (at least it's not the pig.. )If I want to make light of my age, I shall do so.

"New Blogger", I am not finding you as delightfully saucy as you might assume.

*rolls eyes* ....250 years old, for God's sake. That's not even an amusing number. Just old. Probably the same age as the flush toilet or something.

Things you shouldn't see in a child's report.

Not that I am the type to share private information over the internet.... but....

I'm writing reports for the boys in my class tonight. Well, I would be if I wasn't faffing around here talking trash about google. I suspect them of engineering the end of the world. Rise of the Machines, anyone?

Basically the reports are due in on Wednesday evening. The 31st Jan, in case you were interested... Well, you could at least pretend. It's only polite. (A day of the year I spend sneering and spitting derisively on the carpet, for reasons that shall remain nameless. ) Obviously I have spent the last two weeks procrastinating and doing nothing except complaining that I've only just written them and what the hell does everybody expect GODDAMNIT!! After a pub lunch and much drinking, I finally got on to starting them at about 9pm this evening. It's now 12.15am and I have written 5 English ones. Hmmm. I'm starting to suspect I may regret my slightly slack attitude. I have also bitten my nails rather savagely. Evidently the bullshitting nerve centres of my brain are not particularly full on at the moment. I plan on giving the kids very simple work they can mark themselves for the next few days so I can get my backside in gear and get these things written.

I think it's time to stop because I am getting slightly silly in my report writing. (and my brand new ish computer's antivirus seems to be falling apart. The computer jinx strikes again!)

In order to entertain myself I had written a short sentence at the end of each report, solely for the purpose of saying what I really mean without having to pussy-foot around the issue and make up stupid explanations like 'he is learning to work more independently' instead of 'cannot do a damn thing without me standing over him and shouting loudly'.

Here are some examples of what I would love to write in reports I have written over the years:

1. I am impressed with his efforts despite the fact that he remains a pretentious little shit.
2. I am sure he would achieve something if he took his finger out of his goddamn nostril for five seconds
3. She would be a lovely child if her mother wasn't an overbearing tyrant who sets unrealistic standard for her to achieve and thusly turns her into a quivering mentalist.
4. A little too fond of me, if you catch my drift. I suspect he will grow and mature into one of those men who hangs around in a dirty anorak.

Sigh. I'd better stop before I grow too honest and lose my knack of glossing over the worst of it completely. Gnarrrr!

Pooh-poohing.

Dear Blogger,

Well, you have finally strongarmed me into accepting the new google account thingy. Let's not pretend for a second that I'm happy about this, but I'll withhold any serious sniping until I actually notice a difference between this and the 'old blogger' account. (Note: 'Old blogger account': carefully phrased to rhyme with shit.)

Seriously though, if I find one piece of junk mail in my email account I shall be straight over to give you an electronic slapping. Don't mess with me. I make little boys cry with the sheer force of my 'disappointment' face.

Kiss kiss,

Disco Stoat

PS. Labels for this post? The hell? Wayward insanity? General bla?

Sing it again, Frank!

I love Frank Sinatra. Have been listening to my new CD for ages. I find myself prancing around the place like a total fool, doing silly kicks and whatnot.

Today I watched Running Man. I'm not even sure how you spell that. I'll be quite ashamed if I get it wrong, though perhaps I shouldn't be. It was so bad. You know sometimes you can watch a film that's totally lame and yet you spend the whole thing laughing and end up loving it? Rambo is a prime example. Well, Running Man is only just on the right side of camp/funny. Sometimes it slips over the edge into the realms of pure unadulterated dirge. I was amused, but found the bizarre plot so confusing, not helped by Arnold's flashback habit and truly abysmal acting. Seriously. How did this man make it into films? It's unbelieveable. Plus his character was so 'good' it was sickening. You just wanted to see him get hideously beaten to death. He had so many "hilarious" one-liners, you started trying to pre-empt him as they were so obvious.

Other than that, it was good. I loved the way the world of the future is plagued with 80s fashion (Arnie's silver all in one babygrow outfit had me snorting. Nice.) And Jesse Ventura's heinous toupee. What the...? It's a whole different colour. In a certain light you'd swear it was ginger. They should have sent that thing after Arnie, it would have killed him outright. If ever a hairpiece was rife with disease...I imagine the guy who wrote the book it was based on is spinning in his grave, or lounge chair if he's still with us.

The best thing about the whole film, I'm sad to say, was when the credits rolled at the end and I happened to catch the name 'Roger Bumpass'. That was it for me. I spent a good few minutes rolling around, crying with laughter.

Oh God....Roger Bumpass.... *dies* I'm going to google him.

Snicker...

Have just been roaming through my old diaries, (I just started a new one. I know. Do I not write enough?!) and I came across this:

Places I would like to go to :

1. New Zealand
2. Australia
3. Transylvania (yes. It is a real place, and very pretty.)
4. New York
5. Paradise
6. Me

It's very sad that I find myself so amusing.

In other news, I have a little bit more work at the school from before Christmas. Oodelally!!

Another day, another new year! Where will it all end?

Happy New Year everybody!

My resolutions are as follows:

1. Tidy the hell up!
2. Stop arguing with people in customer services.
3. Slap Tom Cruise with some kind of wet fish, possibly trout.

I sense only one of these is actually in the realms of possibility.




..Yes, OBVIOUSLY number 3!