Things you shouldn't see in a child's report.

Not that I am the type to share private information over the internet.... but....

I'm writing reports for the boys in my class tonight. Well, I would be if I wasn't faffing around here talking trash about google. I suspect them of engineering the end of the world. Rise of the Machines, anyone?

Basically the reports are due in on Wednesday evening. The 31st Jan, in case you were interested... Well, you could at least pretend. It's only polite. (A day of the year I spend sneering and spitting derisively on the carpet, for reasons that shall remain nameless. ) Obviously I have spent the last two weeks procrastinating and doing nothing except complaining that I've only just written them and what the hell does everybody expect GODDAMNIT!! After a pub lunch and much drinking, I finally got on to starting them at about 9pm this evening. It's now 12.15am and I have written 5 English ones. Hmmm. I'm starting to suspect I may regret my slightly slack attitude. I have also bitten my nails rather savagely. Evidently the bullshitting nerve centres of my brain are not particularly full on at the moment. I plan on giving the kids very simple work they can mark themselves for the next few days so I can get my backside in gear and get these things written.

I think it's time to stop because I am getting slightly silly in my report writing. (and my brand new ish computer's antivirus seems to be falling apart. The computer jinx strikes again!)

In order to entertain myself I had written a short sentence at the end of each report, solely for the purpose of saying what I really mean without having to pussy-foot around the issue and make up stupid explanations like 'he is learning to work more independently' instead of 'cannot do a damn thing without me standing over him and shouting loudly'.

Here are some examples of what I would love to write in reports I have written over the years:

1. I am impressed with his efforts despite the fact that he remains a pretentious little shit.
2. I am sure he would achieve something if he took his finger out of his goddamn nostril for five seconds
3. She would be a lovely child if her mother wasn't an overbearing tyrant who sets unrealistic standard for her to achieve and thusly turns her into a quivering mentalist.
4. A little too fond of me, if you catch my drift. I suspect he will grow and mature into one of those men who hangs around in a dirty anorak.

Sigh. I'd better stop before I grow too honest and lose my knack of glossing over the worst of it completely. Gnarrrr!